personal essay

It happened so suddenly. I woke up in the middle of the night and suddenly I couldn’t swallow. I woke up my boyfriend in panic and needed him to get me water. I needed water but suddenly water wasn’t enough. I needed my mother. I called her and couldn’t help but cry right as I heard her voice.

“Hello?” her raspy startled voice answered
“Mom….I feel like I can’t swallow”, I said as I was trying to breathe slow enough to calm
myself down.
“Ok Erica…calm down. Do you want your father and me to meet you at the hospital?
she said in a soothing manner.
“Yes”, I blurted out without any thought.
“Ok, we’ll meet at JFK right outside of the emergency entrance”
“Ok”, I answered back and as I hung up I turned to my half a sleep boyfriend Dan and told him he needed to take me to the hospital.

We met at the hospital at 2 in the morning. I stood in front of the emergency room exit and waited until I saw my mother’s reddish blonde hair and a black sweat suit from across the parking lot. She gave me a hug and said, “Erica, everything will be ok” and just that made me a worlds difference. We sat in the waiting room, my father and Dan watching the news and trying to keep each other awake, sat across from my mother and I, who was holding my hand and talking about anything that would get my mind off the wait. She always did that when my sister and I were sick and even if was the silliest of topics to discuss, it always seemed to work.

After talking to a series of doctors who couldn’t figure out what was happening to me, it was my mother that realized what had happened. I was hit with an anxiety attack.That next morning, after the hospital, I went home and had my mother stay by my side. She held my hand through my shaking, wiped my tears after my crying and made me forget how bad I really was. She is like that security blanket that toddlers carry around, the one that for some reason they cry when they are without it because it’s that one thing makes them feel safe. I think I clung to her so tightly is because she suffered from anxiety and knows first hand how to deal with it so looking at her I see a survivor and hope that I myself am going to get me over this.

When my mother had to leave for work and I was all alone, is when the anxiety escalated. I suddenly wasn’t an independent college girl that could do anything by herself but rather became someone who couldn’t be left alone.

That week, I stayed at my grandmother during the day and was picked up by my mother after work. I felt like a little kid who needed to get babysat which made me cry even more. After three days of staying home, my parents thought that I should try to go back to my place and get back into the grove of things and as we were driving down the turnpike, I had a huge anxiety attack somewhere between my exit 9 and exit 13.

“Erica, why are you shaking so badly?” she said, trying to keep her eyes on the road and at the same time watch me.
“I don’t know mom, I don’t think I can do this” trying to hold my knees still from shaking. I didn’t want to scare my mom but I couldn’t help it.
“We’re turning around Bruce”, she said to my father, who was sitting in the back. “She needs more time, we rushed this too fast”, she said in a saddened voice.

A week after that night, I was in my apartment again. Every night after work my mother drove 40 minutes and came over to stay with me until my boyfriend came home at 9. For that week she focused on me. She called every hour and constantly made sure I was ok. One day I felt like my throat was closing and even though she told me it was because of my anxiety and nothing more she still took me to a throat specialist to make me feel better. She never made me feel embarrassed or crazy because she herself went through anxiety. Those nights she came up to stay with me, we would lay in my bed listening to soft music, and as she held my hand she would retell me stories about when I was a little girl.

“You know Erica, when you were little you were so clumsy, you must have came crying to me four times a day for bumping your head on something”, she said laughing as she looked over to me to see if I was smiling and I was.

“Eventually I bought you a helmet and you would wear that around like it was a princess’s tiara” she said laughing even more this time and letting out a joyful sigh.

Those small moments are the times I will never forget and the times I could never really explain to her how much they really meant. That week she temporarily deserted my father and younger sister and I am sure she neglected herself as well because I was the only thing that she was concerned about and I needed that. I needed her to pick me up a little each day and a little more each time we were together. She is the reason I am the Erica that makes everyone laugh or the Erica that is a happy young girl again.

Recently, our roles have switched. My parents are struggling financially more than ever and can’t afford to keep the house so it has been on the market for the past months. Since my father lost his job and my mother is only a secretary, they can barely afford to live anymore and I find that the strong woman who once got me through everything is now falling apart. I call her everyday to see how she is doing.

“Hey mom, what’s up?”, I said in a cheerful voice.
“Not much Erica, just a little stressed today”, she says with a troubled voice. “Your sister just told me the lights went off in the house and I can’t pay the bill because my card is maxed out”, she whispered in almost humiliation. “Can I use your card and I will pay you back?” she said.
“Of course” I said, and read her the information off my card. “Mom I don’t know why you don’t ask grandma and grandpa for help. You told me yourself, they helped Aunt Joanne out for years with financial problems”, I said trying to reassure her.
“I know Erica, but I never once asked anyone for help and I don’t plan on starting now. I don’t want to owe anyone anything”, she explained.

My mom was a mother at the age of 18, and since the time she had my older brother, she prided herself on being able to do things on her own. I understand where she is coming from but at the same time I wish she would just ask for some support.

She calls me everyday and tells me about how she is feeling and I am there to listen and build her slowly up as she has done for me. Sometimes I cry when I get off the phone with her because hearing that the one person you want to be happy is actually the saddest they have ever been is heartbreaking. I don’t cry when I’m around her or even show that I believe things are bad because she never once did that when I was going through my bad time. She always made me feel that the bad times were going to pass and I was going to get better without a doubt and that is exactly what I am doing today. She is more than a mother and I am more than a daughter to her. We are best friends and each others support system.

“I’m sorry to put this all on you Erica, I never wanted you to see me like this”, she said one time when we went out for lunch.
“I know mom, but it’s ok because I love you and I am here for you just as you were there for me” I said reassuring her.

I always let her know that I am here for her and that her problems are not too much for me too carry and little by little she has been opening up. When I give her a hug, it’s the strongest hug my arms can give and when I tell her I love her, it’s the most heart felt expression.
The weeks that I suffered with my anxiety was a time I will never forget because I became the weakest I ever thought I would possibly be but also because I realized what a strong and loving woman my mother is. When I was at my weakest I couldn’t help myself but needed my mother to get me to where I needed to be, and now being able to do the same is the most important role in my life right now. By caring for me, my mother taught me how to care for her.
My mother and I have shared many memories in the past but now we both share that horrible feeling that nothing is ever going to get better, but I am by her side everyday telling her that although we cant see it at the moment, it’s a time in our lives that we eventually grow from and realize the strength we have because of what we have overcome. I pray every night for the times my mother is facing to end soon but in the mean time I am standing as strong as my mother once did