Draft

Lean on Me


It happened so suddenly. I woke up in the middle of the night and suddenly I couldn’t swallow. I woke up my boyfriend in panic and needed him to get me water. I needed water but suddenly water wasn’t enough. I needed my mother. I called her and couldn’t help but cry as my voice quivered the word Mom. We met at the hospital at 2 in the morning and after talking to a series of doctors who couldn’t figure my symptoms out it was my mother that realized what had happened. I was hit with an anxiety attack.
That next morning, after the hospital, I went home and had my mother stay by my side. She held my hand through my shaking, wiped my tears after my crying and made me forget how bad I really was. She is like that security blanket that toddlers carry around, the one that for some reason they cry when they are without it because it’s that one thing makes them feel safe. When my mother had to leave for work and I was all alone, is when the anxiety escalated. I suddenly wasn’t an independent college girl that could do anything by herself but rather became someone who couldn’t be left alone.

Finally after a week I was in my apartment again but every night after work my mother drove 40 minutes and came over to stay with me until my boyfriend came home at 9. For that week she focused on me. She called every hour and constantly made sure I was ok. One day I felt like my throat was closing and even though she told me it was because of my anxiety and nothing more she still took me to a throat specialist to make me feel better. She never made me feel embarassed or crazy because she herself went through anixety. Those nights she came up to stay with me, we would lay in my bed listening to soft music, and as she held my hand she would retell me stories about when I was a little girl. Those small moments are the times I will never forget and the times I could never really explain to her how much they really meant. That week she temporarily deserted my father and younger sister and I am sure she neglected herself as well because I was the only thing that she was concerned about and I needed that. I needed her to pick me up a little each day and a little more each time we were together. She is the reason I am the Erica that makes everyone laugh or the Erica that loves to give gifts or the Erica that is a happy young girl again.

Recently, our roles have switched. My parents are struggling financially more than ever and can’t afford to keep the house so it has been on the market for the past months. Since my father lost his job and my mother is only a secretary, they can barely afford to live anymore and I find that the strong woman who once got me through everything is now falling apart. She is depressed and cries almost every time I talk to her. She prided herself on being able to do things on her own and because she now needs help to get by she is not herself. She calls me everyday and tells me about how she is feeling and I am there to listen and build her slowly up as she has done for me. Sometimes I cry when I get off the phone with her because hearing that the one person you want to be happy is actually the saddest they have ever been is heartbreaking. I don’t cry when I’m around her or even show that I believe things are bad because she never once did that when I was going through my bad time. She always made me feel that the bad times were going to pass and I was going to get better without a doubt and that is exactly what I am doing today. She is more than a mother and I am more than a daughter to her. We are best friends and each others support system.

To get my mother through her hard times, I call her everyday to let her know that I am thinking about her and I make sure I tell her something that will brighten up her day. I drive home atleast twice a week just to clean to house for her and make sure we have lunch on fridays to catch up. I always let her know that I am here for her and that her problems are not too much for me too carry and little by little she has been opening up. When I give her a hug, its the strongest hug my arms can give and when I tell her I love her, its the most heart felt expression I can give.

The weeks that I suffered with my anxiety was a time I will never forget because I became the weakest I ever thought I would possibly be but also because I realized what a strong and loving woman my mother is. When I was at my weakest I couldn’t help myself but needed my mother to get me to where I needed to be, and now being able to do the same is the most important role in my life right now. My mother and I have shared many memories in the past but now we both share that horrible feeling that nothing is ever going to get better, but I am by her side everyday telling her that although we cant see it at the moment, it’s a time in our lives that we eventually grow from and realize the strength we have because of what we have overcome. I pray every night for the times my mother is facing to end soon but in the mean time I am standing as strong as my mother once did, and for that I couldn’t be happier.